Humour: Carney launches a cellphone to compete with Trump Mobile

In today’s world, where politics and product launches are clashing, it seems like everything is fair game.

Donald Trump’s children, through the Trump Organization, are launching Trump Mobile. Apart from a $499 USD smartphone, the venture features a $47.45 USD monthly plan, a nod to Trump’s terms as both the 45th and 47th president of the good ol’ U.S.A.

With that, one cannot help but wonder what would happen if our leader, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney, stepped into the mobile business battleground. 

Let’s call it the “Maple Plan.”  For $40.01 CAD per month, a reference to Canada Day on July 1, this plan would offer unlimited calls, texts, and data.

But what makes this plan exceptional are the extra advantages that would come with it. After every phone bill payment, customers will be rewarded with a box of 10 Timbit doughnuts, every Canadian’s favourite snack. It is a perfect delight to brighten your mood and keep the Canadian spirit alive.

And because Canadian residents are used to slippery roads during our chilly winters, the plan would include roadside assistance that goes beyond the basics. Along with quick assistance for Canadians, every customer would get a free warm toque embroidered with a maple leaf as well as a snow brush and scrapper combo to clear the ice and snow off their windshields, ensuring folks are always ready to face the stubborn winter mornings. Honestly, would you get perks like these with any other plan?

The rewards do not stop there. For the quiet, relaxed nights at home when you are staying inside during a snowstorm, Carney Mobile would offer something extraordinary — exclusive streaming access to few of Canada’s most loved T.V. shows.

Visualize yourself binge watching and enjoying heartwarming moments from Kim’s Convenience or having a good laugh from Corner Gas. These shows are part of Canada’s identity, and with the Maple Plan, they would be right within reach, ready to stream anytime and anywhere. 

Customers will be able to select from a range of personalized ringtones honouring Canada’s distinctive culture to add an additional touch of national pride. One could choose, for instance, the calming sound of a loon’s call echoing over a serene northern lake. If consumers want something more energizing, they can select a ringtone featuring the iconic voice of one of Canada’s most beloved singers, Celine Dion.

Your phone would have a proudly Canadian sound whether you were setting your alarm for the morning, receiving a call, or receiving a text message. This would make every notification a little celebration of Canada’s identity and culture.

With colours like “Muskoka Green” and “Maple Red,” the phone itself would be patriotic, and the case would have a maple leaf with hockey sticks crossed together, representing Canada’s national winter sport.

For an extra Canadian touch, autocorrect will add a “sorry” to each misspelled message because we are courteous.

Carney Mobile would be trustworthy and humble. Instead of yelling, it would gently notify you with a soft “You’ve got mail.”

What other features would you like to see in this Canadian phone plan? A virtual assistant who speaks the two official languages and a snowstorm warning system.

But one thing is for sure — Carney Mobile would undoubtedly be far humbler than whatever phone plan is brewing south of the border.