Spiders are just misunderstood kinksters

These kinky arachnids are nothing to be afraid of — or are they?

Art by Kristen Frier

Art by Kristen Frier

“Harder mommy!” cries the fly as the webs cinch tighter around him.

Or at least, that’s all she hears as she winds and winds until there is no escape from her tender clutches. While not all spiders spin webs, all are either hunters or trappers, or sometimes both — they’re versatile like that. And whatever the means, they are extremely skilled with their chosen method. 

That spider hanging out in the corner of your ceiling that you keep forgetting to clean or just can’t reach without a broom? That’s not there for an ideal placement, flies go for windows not silly spiders on the ceiling. The real reason is they want you to watch them feed. 

They’re exhibitionists and are not ashamed; there’s no kinkshaming these arachnids. Oh no, they enjoy being watched as they tie up their prey and turn them into a puddle and suck every last drop — really. They turn them into soup and drink it up like $0.75 ramen on a student budget. 

Only wolf spiders are a little shier. As one of the few spiders that do not spin webs, they prefer to make dungeons — I mean burrows — that they hide in. They wait until something comes across and leap out to drag their prey back to their dens so they can take their time savouring every last delicious moment. 

But sometimes they feel a little brave and eat out in the open, but still close to home for a speedy retreat. Not unlike a new couple getting a little frisky in the car, thrilling but able to make a quick escape.

And of course, no conversation about spiders would be complete without mentioning the OG spider mommy: the tarantula. Like the wolf spider she doesn’t spin webs, but she does spin silk to line her burrow to make it comfy for her — and captivating for her dinner guests. As nocturnal hunters, she definitely prefers the sensual lighting of the moon for her nightly activities. 

Between the two genders, the females are bulkier and she will use these muscles to her full advantage. She can crush a hypothetical watermelon, if you know what I mean. 

This is no exaggeration. Female tarantulas will kill and eat their mates after the deed is done, both for a post-coital snack and to keep options open. 

This is one of the most literal interpretations of “chewing through your roster,” and to be fair it may not be the best idea to stick around and snuggle if she’s going to go down on you in the worst possible way. 

All in all, spiders are certainly the kinksters of spinsters. Either with their prey or actual mates, they’ll find unique ways to spice the bedroom up.